Holly Cairns Returns From Maternity Leave To Look After Children

THE CALMING respite that is raring a newborn on no sleep while on maternity leave is over as party leader Holly Cairns returns to work at her full-time job looking after children in the Social Democrats.

“I was only gone a flat minute and look at the mess you’ve made,” Cairns said on her return to the office to find Eoin Hayes in a ‘brown face’ scandal thanks to the emergence of old photos of the TD donning ‘brown face’ dressed as Barack Obama when he was in college.

While a new parent can expect their little one won’t settle during the night and is liable to vomit on them, it is believed such things are a walk in the park when compared with racism, councillors resigning, holding shares in Palantir and the person you’re backing for president chilling with people from the Assad regime.

“Did any of you, even one of you, try the ‘Irish girl over does the fake tan’ excuse? Christ, it’s like running a creche full time,” remarked Cairns, hosting the party’s think-in on her return, “can you we go one day without one of you filling your nappy full of shite and then going to the media to describe the smell in detail just in case they weren’t aware of it?”

Elsewhere, political commentators sounded a cautious note, pointing out that if doing blackface or having a historic incident of casual racism becomes a sackable offence then there would be ‘no politicians left’, which would create a constitutional crisis.

“Since when is doing a racism racist? World’s gone mad, it was 16 years ago which is 1988 if I’ve got my maths right, a different time when having the craic was still legal,” confirmed one commenter who thinks people are too easily offended these days by ridiculous incidents like this and should instead save their outrage for genuinely offensive things like the addition of a vegan sausage on the menu at his local cafe.

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