New Primary School Curriculum To Send Mad Bachelor Uncle Padraig Over The Edge

RELATIONS of mad uncle Padraig have been warned to remain vigilant ahead of the rollout of the new Primary School Curriculum, which is widely expected to send the 56-year-old bachelor ‘completely over the edge’, WWN has learned.

Padraig, who has cultivated an unhealthy obsession with other peoples’ gender in recent years due to way too much time on his hands and a possible stroke, is expected to begin loitering outside local schools once word spreads that 5th and 6th class pupils will receive age-appropriate education about different sexual orientations, including homosexuality and bisexuality.

“We fully expect the mad cunt to show up wearing his camo cargo pants and erect a tent outside, pretending to ‘protect the children’ but in reality just terrifying them,” read a nationwide text alert.

He is also predicted to rage against the well-being module, which helps students navigate puberty. It is expected Padraig will label this ‘woke transgender narrative being forced on children’ despite the actual curriculum containing no reference to gender identity whatsoever.

The McGregor-Trump-Russell Brand devotee is, ironically, also expected to oppose the consent segment, before inevitably trying to force his way inside the school himself in a tragic metaphor made flesh.

Meanwhile, experts do not expect Padraig to notice or care about the other 99% of the revised programme: stronger STEM learning, expanded arts, or enhanced Social and Environmental Education.

“Much like why he never amounted to much himself in his half century on earth, he will only ever focus on the same tired handful of subjects he always does: race, gender, and whatever his social media feed tells him to be outraged about that day” one expert in mad bachelor uncles concluded.

We design & sell funny t-shirts, mugs, hoodies and more to help keep the lights on. Check them out here www.waterfordwhispers.shop