ON THE day of non-essential retail reopening across Ireland, allowing people to finally purchase clothing items following a near 6-month lockdown, one local man took the time to reflect on his now tattered collection of boxers, penning them an emotional letter and thanking them for supporting him all the way. “Dear Jocks, Many of you… Read more »
LOCAL man Eric Downing felt his first signs of post-lockdown normality yesterday, after receiving a haircut from his re-opened barbers that was somehow worse than it had looked when he walked in with 5 months of shaggy growth on his head. “Ah yeah it’s grand, thanks” said Downing as his barber showed him the back… Read more »
PAIN on a level which allegedly makes childbirth look like a piece of piss has left local man Martin Daly in agony following an ill advised attempt to exercise for the first in years. “Can you dislocate a hamstring and tear a lung? Fuck,” said Daly, grimacing intensely as he gingerly placed himself back on… Read more »
“WHY didn’t we think of this earlier,” a frustrated with itself government said of the impending introduction of legislation implementing minimum alcohol unit pricing in retail settings. “We did it, we solved Ireland’s drink problem! We cracked how to wean young people off alcohol, while as a small bonus imposed a stealth tax on everyone”… Read more »
VAGUELY recalling why her brother hasn’t been seen nor heard from for almost 25 years, local mother Glenda Campion confirmed to her daughter Emer that she definitely told her about it at the time, and this wasn’t some big secret suppressed for decades. “Ah, it wasn’t something of anything really. Sure, you remember anyway,” explained… Read more »
DESCRIBED as ‘a modern relic’, an 8 inch curl of white dog poop has been sold to an anonymous bidder for just over 8 million euro, making it the most expensive faeces in history. Bumping off the previous record of 6.7 million paid of a curl of dinosaur poo by Nicholas Cage when he was… Read more »
FOLLOWING the announcement that hairdressers, barbers and salons are to reopen on the 10th of May, the government unveiled a new funding scheme aimed at helping the nation’s waxing technicians purchase hedge trimmers. “It’s no good reopening and offering these services if they can’t cope with the post-lockdown demands of some customers,” confirmed Minister for… Read more »
GARDAÍ have issued a nationwide ‘red lightweight warning’ to consumers of cannabis edibles after a local teen ‘chucked an absolute whitener’ after eating THC jellies and was admitted to hospital, WWN can confirm. Chucking a whitener is perceived by drug subcultures as the result of using too much cannabis within too short a period and… Read more »
STILL visibly squirmy at the painful memory, 56-year-old dad Gerry Cody recalls the still fresh catalogue of horrors from a 1985 incident which rocked him to his very core, liking it to his own, personal Chernobyl. Admitting to repressing memories of the bowel movement until now, Cody opened up about that fateful day in December… Read more »
ONE LOCAL lean, mean fitness machine has been on the receiving end of significant praise for his ability to just get on with his intensive exercise routine without making it his entire personality. Mark Tierney (25) is to be given a coveted award from the Irish Society of Fair Play To You for his decision… Read more »
