AHEAD of the expected reopening of hairdressers in the coming weeks, leading authorities have urged the public to once again familiarise themselves with the agonisingly awkward small talk that is part and parcel of getting your hair cut. “Going fancy for on your holidays anywhere? Ah bollocks!” said one scraggly haired woman to her reflection… Read more »
A LOCAL hero has taken out time from his extremely busy day to what do he believes is helping a damsel in distress driving an SUV, WWN has learned. Despite clearly hearing the 2020 reg BMW’s parking sensors beeping, Cormac Lacey began directing the female driver into the multistorey carpark space, with all the mannerisms… Read more »
A CORK man who gave up drinking alcohol on January 1st has been reportedly lying through his teeth, constantly insisting to friends and family members that he doesn’t even miss consuming the intoxicating drink, all in a condescending fashion. James Murphy, who once shot gunned four cans of Stella in a row for a bet… Read more »
WITH tears in their exhausted but elated eyes, Waterford couple Ciaran and Sharon Whallin have brought home a bright, bouncing new iPad weighing just under 500g to their kids, to add to the two tablets that they already have. “People say we’ll have our work cut out for us downloading apps and updating things, but… Read more »
A COLLECTIVE of shoppers from around the world have today published an open letter to supermarkets in a bid to stop them constantly moving eggs and other vital produce around their stores, forcing shoppers to lose countless hours of their lives. The letter, entitled ‘Stop Moving The Fucking Eggs’, called out big brands for the… Read more »
LOOK at me. Observe how my eyes stare directly into your soul. Calculate how many more books I’ve read than you. Read every sophisticated phrase I craft into my copy and succumb to my scrupulous opinion, for you are nothing without people like me. By now, you already know this is one of those serious… Read more »
DESCRIBED as a ‘crude, arrogant and offensive’ display of limber and pacey ambulating strides, local youth Jack Kinnear is under fire from those in the community afflicted by creaky hips and decaying bodies. “I’m not going to apologise – I love zipping by some auld lad, leaving them for dust,” confirmed 19-year-old Kinnear who has… Read more »
LOCAL is-this-what-I-pay-taxes-for enthusiasts have taken a special interest in the case of one unemployed woman who found the time to do her own nails despite not having a job, WWN can confirm. “Where’d the money come from to do that I wonder,” scoffed one person as they spied 25-year-old Laura Lally’s immaculate nails in a… Read more »
A RED ‘lycra alert’ has been issued yet again this weekend as 94% of the nation’s middle aged men insist on pouring themselves into ill-fitting and bulbous cycling gear, and taking to the roads. “We’re powerless to stop it so please stop reporting all budgie smugglers, lycra lizards and crotch goblins to us,” a garda… Read more »
“LINDA! Once again I’ll stop you there,” barked pet dog Smudge, interrupting owner Linda Moran who was minutes into delivering a detailed breakdown of her day to her dog who remains unable to understand human speech. “Sure, intonations and tones I can pick up on to a degree, but I’m a fucking dog at the… Read more »
