Sea Swimmer Not Going To Bother Today As No One There To See Him

CITING the complete absence of witnesses to his heroic suffering, sea-swimming martyr Cian Murphy has decided not to brave the cold Irish waters this morning. However, he will grab a golden turmeric oat milk latte in the local café while wearing his dry robe, nonetheless.

“Quiet enough now,” the 48-year-old replied when asked by a staff member’How was it today?’, making sure to give a bit more volume when describing how cold yet invigorating the water was, for the benefit of those within earshot.

Murphy, who usually uploads his daily swims to Instagram – filmed on his phone from a nearby rock – opted this time to post a video from last week that he’d kept for no-people days like this.

“Discomfort is just success in a wet jumper!” Murphy pasted into the video description – a quote generated and copied from ChatGPT, his main source for inspirational affirmations lately.

Worried that sea swimming may be losing its popularity with try-hards, Murphy pondered what other activities he could pursue for the kudos.

“Hill hiking is in, but that’s a lot of effort. Maybe I’ll take up pickleball! Yeah, that’s it – pickleball – and then start a pickleball podcast,” he threatened.

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