All The Highlights From The Sinn Féin Ard Fheis

THE MUCH anticipated Sinn Féin Ard Fheis could be the final large gathering of the party before a possible general election and tilt at power.

WWN has all the highlights from the action in Athlone:

Sinn Féin pledged to build 18 houses for every 1 person in Ireland within the first 30 minutes of taking power.

Attendees were fitted with special ear pieces which played nothing but Wolf Tones at a volume louder than two jumbo jets mating.

Mary Lou McDonald called on the Israeli ambassador to be expelled from Ireland or at the very least the government should move their embassy to Clonmel.

A moustache-totting man called Veo Laradkar took to the stage to confirm under a Sinn Féin government the IRA army council will steal all pocket money from Irish children and punch their grannies.

Those earning over €100k had their wallets searched and money confiscated.

One party workshop ‘how to successfully sue a media outlet’ was standing room only.

‘United Ireland poll’ was mentioned during the Ard Fheis a total of 103,248 times, a new low for the annual gathering.

Inviting the Palestinian Ambassador to Ireland, Dr Jilan Wahba Abdalmajid, to the Ard Fheis is the sort of cheap political photo opportunity that shows Sinn Féin is ready for government.

The party rejected accusations they were a populist party during a talk which featured free money being shot out of confetti cannons.

Motions passed by the party included Gerry Adams’ face replacing all Irish emblems on Irish versions of Euro coins and notes.

Sinn Féin unveiled a lovely painting by a 5-year-old which depicted trees and flowers in a smog free sky. The painting represents a huge improvement on their current environmental policy.

A shrine of Leo Varadkar, made entirely out his comments on social welfare recipients, was worshiped by Sinn Féin pollsters who can’t believe Varadkar makes it this easy for them.

“We will end the scourge of landlords taking advantage of working people, no not you Des,” Eoin Ó Broin told those in attendance, before reassuring party finance director Des Mackin that he can continue to illegally convert office spaces into dodgy bedsits.

“We are for a new kind of politics,” reiterated McDonald, leader of a party that failed to declare election donations to SIPO, is accused by former members of bullying, and had members pose as fake poll workers when knocking on the public’s doors.

A seminar titled ‘how to object to housing in your local area while insisting you’re not just doing so to keep new build numbers down, which you can then batter the government for’ made an appearance for a fifth year running.