Security To Pat Down & Check Surgeons For Springs Before Performing Spinal Surgery


OUT OF an abundance of caution and to mitigate against the fact they clearly haven’t previously shown the slightest bit of interest in ensuring the safety of children being operated on, Children’s Health Ireland will now introduce new security measures at Temple Street.

“We’ve got nightclub bouncers that will pat down every surgeon carrying out spinal surgery on children. We have sniffer dogs trained to sniff out non medical grade springs you’d get down the hardware shop too,” said a spokesperson for the health body.

“Not tonight pal sorry,” one bouncer was overheard telling a surgeon battling who in lieu of proper support and resources had tried to bring illicit springs into the operating theatre.

It is not thought the security personnel will be used to investigate the fact the CEO of Children’s Health Ireland Eilish Hardiman has ‘no recollection’ of the springs being discussed with clinicians in a 2020 meeting or ever receiving an email which summarised the details of the meeting.

Parents, whose child’s condition has deteriorated to the point that their organs are pushed and contorted into the wrong positions as they wait years for what should be a routine surgery, have been asked if a quick ‘sorry’ from the CHI will do.

“Just to show you how much we know we have let children down and how the Irish state continues to let them down we are willing to offer an additional second ‘sorry’ for the whole ‘oops we were putting non medical grade springs in there too when we did finally got around to doing the surgery’,” confirmed a spokesperson for the CHI.

UPDATE: the projected waiting time for accountability and justice now exceeds the lengthy waiting list for the surgeries.