Scientists Confirm No Known Cure For ‘The Ick’


IT IS a sad reality of modern medicine but people will have to get used to the fact there is no cure for ‘the ick’, that is according to a group of scientists working for over a decade to find a way to end the crippling toe-curling revulsion.

“Enjoyed 4 or 5 dates with someone but then suddenly realise the fact they always say ‘yup, yup, yup’ instead of ‘yes’ is an insurmountable and irritating hurdle to finding them attractive? It’s over, there’s no way back. There’s no miracle cure on the way,” confirmed Professor Sheena Kearns, who led a 12-year study into the phenomenon.

The ick is a debilitating relationship-ending condition that has to date potentially ruined over 400 million people’s chances at a longterm relationship with people they have dated.

“I wanted to love her, I thought it was inevitable, I was thinking of how we’d probably start a family, she could be the one but she picked her nose once in front of me and that was it,” said ick sufferer John, retching at the mere memory.

“An ick vaccine would have changed my life. If there was one I could get over the fact that drop dead gorgeous guy I was into listens to Joe Rogan,” explained ick feeler Sophie, who was too embarrassed to admit it was actually over the fact he pronounced scone ‘scone’.

Prof Kearns believes now all avenues have been exhausted for a cure people may feel able to be more open about getting the ick as it enters the ranks of conditions people can do nothing about.

“My hope is that you don’t have to write lengthy WhatsApp messages full of lies like ‘I’m not over my ex’ and can just come out with and say ‘you smell like Monster Munch for some reason and it makes me want to cut off my genitals such is the level of disgust it causes me’. It’s a brighter future,” confirmed Kearns.