Sinking Ship Running Out Of Rats

WITH CHARLIE FLANAGAN following Richard Bruton as the next Fine Gael TD to announce they won’t contest another general election, those left desperately bailing water out of the ship’s engine room are reporting that there’s a scarcity of rats on board the struggling vessel.

“A sure sign of a vessel’s sea worthiness is the abundance of contented rats in the pantry but I’ve not heard a sound from them in weeks,” said one witness, who appreciates that these TDs checked out mentally years ago but a goodbye would have been nice.

It is believed Flanagan will now focus his time on disappearing down some regrettable rabbit hole and being a rent-a-quote for papers and radio stations whenever the royal family need defending.

Elsewhere, shipmates on the SS Eoin O’Duffy have spoken of a contingency plan long in place that could mitigate against the mass exodus.

“We have for some time been training nubile rats offsite at an industry-leading medical lab. These rats have already been trained to expect a treat when they press various buttons labeled ‘won’t somebody think of the landlords’ and ‘maybe the poors bring it all on themselves’,” explained an FG spokesperson.

With the basics taken care of the spokesperson said it will be some time until the test subjects can be trained up to suggest an event celebrating the RIC.