Sleeping Tips From A Sleeping Expert

WWN sat down with leading somnologist Dr Deirdre Knight who was gracious enough to share her decades worth of knowledge on how cure insomnia and achieve better quality sleep.

Dr Knight’s tips are as follows:

‘Winding down’ in the evenings is important. Stop stimulating your mind by going back in time and smashing your first ever mobile phone with a hammer. There, now you’re no longer a slave to scrolling your feeds.

Downloading a sleep app can be of some help. Some people like relaxing lapping waves or calming jungle sounds but I find the best one for me is the manic recordings of serial killer The Long Island Slasher who in this one hour long recording whispers that he will hunt you down unless you get into bed and get a decent night’s sleep.

Take the following vitamins from your nearest Holland & Barrett branch:

I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Horse Tranquiliser (€17.99), Zzzzinc (€9.99), The Official Father Ted branded DREAMY SLEEPY NIGHTY SNOOZY SNOOZE (€44.99), Slight Concussion (€21.99. Needs a second person to operate the blunt object to the skull).

Just stop thinking about the fact you might not sleep tonight, it’s easy. No don’t look at the time. Christ it’s 2am which means if you were asleep right this second it’s only 5 hours before your alarm goes off. Oh and yeah, don’t remember and fixate on that time you went to ask that friend out on a date in college but your fly was open and John pointed it out while you were mid-sentence and everyone laughed.

Just be born one of those lucky pricks who could sleep through the D-Day landings.