Baby Crystal’s Christening, Ger’s Retirement Do: The Full List Of Events Affected By €157mn Cocaine Seizure

THE LIST of events that have been tragically altered by the seizure of €157mn of cocaine off the Irish coast is growing by the minute.

The IAS (Irish Association of Sessions) now has a full list of events affected and have advised attendees to make the necessary precautions and alterations to plans which mainly include not bothering to turn up.

The events include:

– The parents of little Crystal Casey are devastated to report the christening of their child will no longer involve ‘a mad one’. Similar notices have been filed by the parents of Joshua Heaney O’Driscoll, Rainbow Brennan, Chloe, Joey & Zoe Byrne, Tarquin Shaftesbury and Beyonce Fennessy.

– Ger Kelly’s retirement do from Carew Medical Devices has been cancelled until the next shipment makes it through without being detected.

– Teacher training day during upcoming midterm at St Denis’ Of The Deviated Septum will be much more boring.

– The Citizens Assembly on Drugs.

– Sheila Martin’s OAP book club and knitting circle’s monthly meet up.

– 15,403 different house parties too great in number to list individually.

– Any gathering in excess of two people that involves any estate agents, solicitors, doctors, artists, marketing professionals and so on.

– All pub toilets.

– One event which is being brought forward and expanded is the Garda Christmas party in Cork.

– Wexford beach clean ups this weekend now have a record number of volunteers offering to comb the coastline for rubbish which could have run aground.