Toxic Algae Leads To Sightings Of Lough Neagh Monster

THE POOR ecological health of Lough Neagh, thanks to the blooming of toxic algae, is worsening still with fresh sightings of a creature now being referred to as Lough Neagh Monster.

“I thought it was Sammy Wilson at first but the creature didn’t have any of those stink lines you see in comic strips so I knew it wasn’t Sammy, not not red enough either,” said one water sports business owner, who will be former water sports business owner soon thanks to the sorry state of the lough.

“If it isn’t bad enough that fishers’ livelihoods are at risk and 40% of Northern Ireland’s drinking water is affected, now the Scots are accusing us of stealing their fake monster bullshit,” shared one local who guesses they’ll never be drinking tape water again in their life.

“To be honest, the state the Lough is in and the complete failure of authorities to step up and take responsibility, turning the place into a tourist location for Big Foot enthusiasts is all it’ll be good for before too long”.

Responding to the urgent need for action at the highest levels of Northern Ireland’s institutions to avert further ecological disaster the DUP told the public ‘go and shite’ when asked to bring Stormont back.

“LOL, I don’t even believe there’s a climate emergency so what do you expect me to do about it?” confirmed Environment Minister Edwin Poots, before confirming the algae was the fault of zebra mussels and nothing to do with excess nitrogen and phosphorus from agricultural fertiliser flowing into the Lough.

Elsewhere, Sinn Féin refused to condemn the mutant monster roaming the Lough until its stance on a United Ireland was clear.