BP CEO Resigns After Failing To Hit Q3 ‘Destroy The Planet’ Targets


CONTRARY to reports that BP CEO Bernard Looney resigned from his position after misleading the board over personal relationships with colleagues, the executive was in fact pushed due to missing key ‘destroying the planet with fossil fuels’ targets.

“We just said it straight out to Bernard, where’s our motherfucking oil spills? The guy hadn’t even looked at the oil spill targets for Q3! He only half-heartedly used the war in Ukraine as an excuse to jack up oil prices too,” shared one board member, made entirely of blood-soaked money.

Conscious of how negatively the share price could be impacted if the market got wind of the fact BP had failed to ramp up the evisceration of protected habitats and ecosystems worldwide, the board felt it had no choice but to act.

“The Ohio refinery fire which killed two people was way back in 2022! We can’t keep living in the past, sure the Deepwater Horizon oil spill was great but do we want this planet plunged into irreversible climate breakdown tomorrow or are we lazily going to hit that target in the 2030s?” added another board member, who also sits on the board of a charity so it cancels out being a cheerleader for fossil fuel destruction.

“And sure, we prioritise money over humans rights by fighting all communities who at are greater risk of leukemia as a result of living near our oil sites but Bernard was paid £10mn a year plus bonuses to kill the planet not save it and it wasn’t happening fast enough”.

Favourites to succeed Looney as BP CEO, who are deemed to have the correct character profile to run such a company, include the devil himself, Hitler and Stalin’s ghost baby and the lady from the video in which she put the cat in a bin.