Here’s What The €1.1bn NI Peace Funding Will Be Spent On

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JOINTLY announced by Irish, EU, British government officials, Northern Ireland is set to receive €1.1bn in peace funding, with the UK making up the bulk of the PEACEPLUS funding.

It’s one thing to announce funding in a glitzy PR drive with accompanying photos, but it’s another thing to actually spend it. Just where and what will the money go on? WWN has the answers:

English lessons for the DUP. ‘Yes’ comes easy to most toddlers, but we all move at different speeds and the DUP will need all the help and supports that come with trying to learn new words.

Scientific funding for research into how to combine Nordie Tayto with Irish Tayto.

Looks like one billion big ones might go some way to clean up Lough Neagh, the toxic algae riddled lake which is the source of 40% of Northern Ireland’s drinking water.

What about actual peace based spending? Well there’s funding for trampolines to line the bottom of all giant pallet structures, which will help with reducing hospitalisation for Unionist pallet addicts.

Special contact lenses for Unionists which project a hard border structure cutting off the six counties from the south.

One concession for Sinn Féin was money for blocking internet access for people in the south trying to access articles about Sinn Féin’s successes or lack therefore in making a difference for their voters in Northern Ireland.

Some of the PEACEPLUS money has already been siphoned off by the Irish government in a bid to plug the black hole that is RTÉ’s finances.

Micheál Martin has successfully lobbied to have some funding go towards health services as they try to deal with Sinn Féin ‘infecting’ young people.

Strategic placing of tannoys which will blare John Lennon’s ‘Give Peace A Chance’ when the occasion calls for it.

The employing of PR firms that can teach the Irish government not to release news of the funding before everyone else and take all the credit. Alternatively, a cheaper option is just to buy some duct tape for Leo Varadkar’s mouth.

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