Scientology On Course To Have Worst Week Since Last Week

CRISIS PR specialist at Scientology HQ have reset their ‘X days since we’ve been accused of something horrible’ sign back to zero, as this week is already proving to contain as much wrongdoing and shameful behaviour as last week.

With the previous week containing embarrassing letters from Aston Kutcher and Mila Kunis defending scientologist Danny Masterson in the wake of him being handed a 30-year prison sentence for multiple rapes, the LA based church is expecting more of the same this week.

“I dunno maybe we drowned some puppies? It’s not our job to find out, our job is just to stop anyone trying to speak out about it,” confirmed one member when asked what scientology was accused of having a hand in this week.

The high profile trial of Masterson saw his ex-lawyers sanctioned for sharing information with a lawyer for the Church of Scientology and claims of witness intimidation of a victim carried out by Masterson’s sister during the trial.

“What could be worse than the public learning we dissuaded victims from reporting Masterson to the police?” queried another member, who had obviously never Googled the words ‘Church of Scientology’ before.

“Wait, you don’t think sitting outside someone’s house, following them and filming their every move because the individual may reveal secrets about the behaviour of the church could be part of the problem?” asked one member, definitely not outside the house of one high-profile former scientologist who recently announced her intention to sue the church for 17-year long campaign of harassment and defamation.

In other news which will shock and concern scientologists, Shelly Miscavige, the wife of church leader David Miscavige, remains missing.