Man Finally Grown Out Of Treating Every iPhone Launch As Greatest Event In Human History


FOR SOME it was an embarrassing emo/goth phase or a debilitating fidget spinner addiction but for 35-year-old Caoimhin McCormick the trend he found himself slavishly devoted to was celebrating a new iPhone launch like it was going to solve world peace.

“Ha, I used to queue up for a fucking phone? What the fuck? I look back at old social media posts and I cringe,” said McCormick, referring to a Tweet from yesterday in which he excitedly stated ‘anyone absolutely buzzing for new iPhone launch?’

“I used to think it was a way of life, a truly superior subculture to treasure and lord over people, I’d mock people for not having the latest one,” shared McCormick, still coming to terms with the fact that he has been duped by a profit seeking behemoth with a huge marketing department focused entirely on convincing you it didn’t lobby to preserve its access to slave labour in Uighur camps in China.

Once seduced by ‘augmented reality’ and other terms he’d pretend to understand, McCormick’s life would be on the brink of ruin if he wasn’t able to be one of the first people to get his hands on the new iPhone.

McCormick now admits maturing to this point where he has finally grown out of his embarrassing iPhone phase was helped in small part by the fact each new phone brings with an extra additional purchase or 12 that is required to keep the product functioning, as well as the fact he mainly uses his phone for texting and Instagram scrolling.

“I’ve grown out of embracing shiny fads to fill the void I feel in myself,” concluded McCormick, a recent convert to vinyl, sea-swimming, NFTs, veganism, home brewing and a dozen other substitutes for a personality.