Justice Minister Confirms Every US Tourist To Be Accompanied By Swat Team

THE COWARDLY and vile attack on a US tourist in Dublin City has caught the attention of Minister for Justice Helen McEntee who confirmed she was shocked at what she presumed was the first violent assault in the capital in at least three decades.

“Hmmm, I dunno that sounds kind of crazy,” McEntee had initially said when it had been previously suggested that perhaps having a visible police presence in Ireland’s capital city might be part of a solution.

However, after learning of the assault McEntee has pledged to fit ever American tourist with their own Swat team.

“We will be training locals on how to catch a bullet for a tourist too,” confirmed McEntee, during a peaceful and safe walk through Dublin, dressed head to toe in stitched together stab vests.

Fine Gael have updated their ‘human value’ chart to reflect that a ‘US tourist’ equals ‘a person’ while ‘murdered immigrant with a tan’ equals ‘404 not found, does not compute’ just to avoid any confusion for people surprised by their rapid response to this latest incident.

Under new proposed measures suggested by coalition voters who have not set foot in Dublin city in over a decade every Canada Goose wearing youth will be fitted with a shock collar.

Meanwhile locals wishing to report a violent assault, theft or civil disorder have been told by gardaí to first apply for a US passport.

Elsewhere, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has thanked Volodymyr Zelensky for offering him safety from a war-torn hellscape last week and welcoming him to the relative calm of Kyiv.

UPDATE: To order your shock collar, click HERE.