Man Not Entirely Happy With Device That Contains All Of Human Knowledge On It

MOBILE PHONE user Gary Deasy has made it known that his recently purchased smart phone device, which contains the entirety of all human knowledge on it, is a piece of shit.

“Sometimes I have to press the Bluetooth function twice to enable my wireless earphones to connect to the application that can play every single piece of popular piece of music recorded in the last 140 years,” Deasy explained, frustrated by the fact he’s locked into a contract that has him paying off the cost of his phone for the next 2 years.

“And sometimes when I type it will suggest a word that is not the word I want to type,” explained Deasy, whose phone has so many uses and capabilities it would have been deemed as ‘witch craft’ as far back as 2004.

Bemoaning the fact you get nothing for your money these days, Deasy’s phone also has a small scratch mark on the phone’s case, the result of dropping the phone a handful of dozens of times.

“Fucking battery is shit on it and all,” continued Deasy, who could only manage 12 hours on Netflix on his phone while simultaneously running 23 other apps before the phone ran out of juice.

Deasy has let it be known to several friends that they shouldn’t waste their money on his model of phone as some of the videos he has taken underwater thus far barely capture Hollywood levels of cinematography, with the 30-year-old pointing the finger of blame for the sub-standard specifications squarely in the hands of whatever third world child was forced to make the phone.

“Dog shite,” concluded Deasy, choosing to ignore optimum settings and features in favour of just using his phone to illegally stream every conceivable sports event the world has to offer.