Government To Give Everyone Tuesday Off So They Can Watch Tubridy Oireachtas Appearance


WISHING the ongoing RTÉ scandal could eternally distract the public from their own woeful performance, the coalition government has confirmed that Tuesday the 11th of July will be a public holiday.

“The move will allow everyone the free time to watch Ryan Tubridy and Noel Kelly’s appearances before the Oireachtas committees, it’s the least we could do,” said Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, when in fact the least he could do was alleviate the housing and health crises.

Those worried they will forget to set their alarms and therefore miss the appearances are in luck because the government will use a siren system normally reserved for only triggering in the event of an imminent nuclear apocalypse.

“That piercing, unrelenting screeching from the siren will be your reminder that shit is about to go down and to get comfy and switch on Oireachtas TV,” explained the siren operator.

“It’ll be great, how often in this day and age do you get the sense that we as a country are really experiencing a massive event in unison. It’s usually only during the Toy Show or something,” shared a TV expert, who confirmed Renault and Havaianas will serve as joint exclusive sponsors of the Oireachtas broadcast.

In other news, the government is relieved no one is talking about:

– Irish politicians being about as transparent as a reinforced concrete window covered in camouflage.

– Prices for a 3-bed in Dublin reaching record levels.

– 1 in 3 three people ‘struggling to get by’ according to Competition and Consumer Protection Commission study.

– Children with scoliosis waiting five agonising years before receiving surgery.

– 130 electric buses not being used by Dublin Bus because of the lack of charging infrastructure.

– Allegations that teenagers in the care of the State are being targeted and sexually exploited by co-ordinated ‘gangs’ of predatory men.

– The Taoiseach stating no one assume government will implement changes recommended by the Citizens Assembly on Drugs.

– The Irish agri-sector is set to fall short of its emissions target by as much as 20%.

– It’s a question of when not if the price of Fredo bars will be increased once more.