Revealed: The Slang Young People Are Using For Sexual Acts These Days

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WWN can exclusively reveal the secretive and new-fangled terms for a variety of depraved sexual acts that would appall everyone from the Pope to that porn star who you pretend not to know the name of.

This is thanks in no small part to the fact we subjected our new intern Sean to a series of invasive questions the HR manager would most certainly take issue with:

Bus Pass – having sex with anyone over the age of 30.

Missionary – when two partners have sex openly outside a religious mission in some far flung land.

Taylor Swift – a quicky.

Peaky Blinder – causing a partner some momentary blindness after dousing their eyes in your sexual ‘juices’.

Oceangate sub – going ‘down there’ for what feels like an eternity to the point you begin to fear you will never resurface again.

The Styles – teasing a gay person into thinking you’re interested in them despite being heterosexual.

Amazon Prime – declining a late night booty call but agreeing to deliver yourself to their house the next day.

The Drainpipe – involves a male partner ejaculating from a great height, funneling it into a partner’s mouth via a drainpipe of any length between 12 and 70 feet.

French kiss – kissing someone while a full blown riot occurs around you.

Trouple – reserved, conservative and prudish relationship involving three cowards who are afraid of joining an Octuple.

The Glastonbury – boasting at length about having the time of your life when in reality it was overrated and a bit shit.

Glob – despite explaining several times and using diagrams, our intern failed to get us to understand this vile number which involves sexual organs we had hitherto never heard of. It’s so vile in fact we had no choice but to report Sean to HR.

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