NCT Replaced By Drivers Giving Own Tyres A Bit Of A Kick

CITING issues such as long delays and some motorists having to complete two tests over the course of a few months, the RSA has cancelled the NCT system replacing it with a leaner and cheaper alternative.

“National testing centres, waiting times of over 30 days, cars queuing for hours – that’s all in the past, now motorists can self-certify the road worthiness of their cars by simply kicking their tyres a bit and making a serious and contemplative facial expression,” explained head of rust bucket and ship heap cars at the RSA, Joanne Kiernan.

“People are no longer at the mercy of a gruff mechanic whose accent you can’t quite place. Gone is the checklist, the panic of potentially failing and the cost associated with repairs. It’s a day of celebration. But if people miss the ‘official’ nature of it all, you can bring your own clipboard when you do your tyre kicking”.

Car owners are advised to practice their tyre kicking and face making in private to avoid embarrassment when carrying out the official test.

“If you’re too in your head about wanting to look like you know what you’re doing when kicking a tyre that could throw you off your game completely. You’re administering your own NCT in the driveway and suddenly a neighbour sees you kicking the tyre like a complete amateur, that’s potentially reputation ruining,” advised expert tyre kicker, Tony Fillan.

Applus, the company responsible for barely running the NCT, will now have their contract cancelled but as is tradition in Ireland they will inexplicably be paid a ‘poor performance, mixed targets’ mega bonus payment.

UPDATE: The RSA can’t believe it has to issue this update but it’s tyre KICKING, not tyre licking you weird idiotic deviants.