Harnessing Lightning Storms To Get Some Free Electricity, A Guide

THERE has been considerable relief expressed by the Irish public after a bountiful lightning storm hit the country yesterday, but many people were unprepared for the event and missed out on collecting a huge amount of free electricity.

With winter energy bills set to be bigger than the empty space between Liz Truss’s ears, now has never been a better time to familiarise yourself with how to collect some lightning. Follow our simple tips:

– Climb to high ground, a wind turbine off the coast of Wicklow for example.

– Find yourself a good conductor, you wouldn’t believe how many you have lying around the house; a metal clothes hanger, an umbrella or a housemate covered head to toe in tinfoil.

– Don’t breathe a word of this to your electricity provider, the pricks will only try to charge you for it.

– Have an electrical appliance at the ready. Need your phone charged and quick? Bring it up on the roof of your home but make sure it’s plugged in via an extension lead. Same goes for washing machines.

– You can’t expected to carry all that electricity yourself so bring a few tupperware boxes to store any excess lightning strikes in.

– Yes, there is also a chance you will be struck directly by lightning so be careful. While you might develop superpowers there’s no guarantee they will be cool superpowers; you could end up with something shit like the ability to smell farts before they happen.