Space Big As Fuck, Confirm Scientists


THE first images returned by the James Webb telescope have confirmed what many have believed for years; space is big, like really big, filled with stuff that is far, far away. Like really far.

“We’re talking really far, no kidding, really, really far,” confirmed one NASA scientist, as the Webb infrared space telescope returned stunning images that make the images from the ageing Hubble telescope look like concert footage shot on a Nokia in 2006.

“Just look at this one image – look at all the stuff in it. Some of that stuff is so far away, it isn’t even there any more. We’re seeing stuff that died a billion years ago, and the light is only reaching us now. I know we said that about the last stuff we saw on an image like this, but this stuff is like… way further away than all that”.

The stunning star-filled images have sent the entire internet into a tizzy today, from space-loving nerds who have been given the gift of new screensavers, to morbid, dread-filled ghouls who see the images as proof of just how tiny and pathetic we really are.

“What’s even the point of going to work, knowing that the universe is this huge and we’re just a speck floating in the middle of it,” sighed one Waterford man, who we suspect is just looking for any reason to head to the pub instead of going to work today.