Crypto Crash: Who Could Have Seen This Coming?

INVESTORS around the world were left reeling after the sudden plunge in value across all cryptocurrencies, a $300bn wipe-out that blindsided crypto bros, long considered to be some of the smarted people alive.

“All of my Sploosheum, my Deeznutscoins, all worthless right now,” said one crestfallen 24-year-old investor, who up until yesterday was certain that the 27 grand he’d invested thanks to living at home and not paying rent was his ticket to a lifetime of unimaginable wealth.

“27 grand, gone. Up until the crash, I used to love tweeting at people who were talking shit about crypto, telling them to ‘enjoy being poor’. Well now I’m poor, and I don’t enjoy it! Surely losing all of my money on risky investments is illegal, right? They just wouldn’t let people invest in something with no safety net, would they!?”

Despite the recent loses many crypto investors laughed off the notion that the future of bitcoin is in jeopardy, stating that all the straight-down lines on graphs are just another sign that now is the time to buy, buy, buy!

“You’re all just too stupid to recognise a classic dive-and-survive 4-baller when you see one, idiots. This is nothing to do with crypto and everything to do with inflation” said one man we spoke to, who had teeth whiter than the lamb of God.

“3x municipal side-trans with a registered fallback on ex-electric dividends, means even though I’ve lost every dime I have, if I invest some dimes that I don’t have then I’ll be soaring with the eagles in a month, while all the rest of you panicked and got nothing. Enjoy poverty, plebs”.

While uncertainty remains over the stability of crypto moving forward, we have it on good authority that those little ape pictures are ‘money in the bank’, certain to only soar in value.