We Meet Ireland’s Last Remaining Non-Cocaine User

COCAINE usage in Ireland has soared to an incredible 99.999999999% of the population, with the only hold-out being Waterford dry shite Liam O’Neill, who took a moment from his busy lick-arse schedule to talk to us about his stance on the drug.

“I just don’t see the appeal of it,” said O’Neill, who apparently has no interest in feeling fucking incredible for a short period of time when on a night out.

“Also, who knows what’s in it. I’ve heard it can be mixed with anything, you wouldn’t know what you’re snorting into yourself,” he added, acting as if a little rat poison ever hurt anyone.

“Plus the whole legal thing of it all. I’m not cool with funding crime gangs, and all that goes with it. Lads will say ‘ah it’s just a bag here and there’, but it’s all going to the one place and that’s drug lords who are ruining our communities,” continued the 29-year old wet-wipe.

“And besides all that, you have the health aspect of it. There’s lads my age, fit and healthy, just dropping dead of heart attacks. There has to be some connection, hasn’t there?” O’Neill added, as if way more people don’t drop dead of heart attacks for non-cocaine related reasons, Jesus.

O’Neill doubtlessly banged on for another while, but we had to leave because everything was just getting to us and we needed to see a lad about a bag for tonight, fuck this day is long, anyone else feel really warm? Christ. Where’s that lad with bag, what’s taking so fucking long.