Diego Simeone’s Guide To Accepting Defeat With Grace

FOLLOWING a 1-0 defeat to Man City over two legs football fair play fenomeno Diego Simeone’s Atletico Madrid side gave a masterclass in grace, humility and acceptance.

Scenes of rampant shithousery are the very last thing football fans want to see as it brings them zero joy. In order to preserve the innocent soul of the game Simeone gave an indispensable guide to budding football managers aimed at preserving fair play among your own players which WWN Sport has reproduced below:

“Sometimes opposition players foreheads are drenched in sweat, advise your players to use their own foreheads to gently caress and wipe that sweat off. This is kindness 101.”

“The referee has a very tough job and can’t see every incident. Help him by sending all your players to crowd around him with helpful information. He might not hear you amongst the stadium noise so make sure to shout”.

“Are the other team using an inferior shampoo? Instruct a player to softly touch Jack Grealish’s hair and sniff it. If it smells like a knock off Gucci handbag, suggest he use Head & Shoulders”.

“Football is a physically demanding game so if an opposition player is in need of hydration but there are no water bottles in sight, it may be necessary to save their lives by hydrating them by spitting on them”.

“Is a player writhing in agony? Alert your nearest burly and psychotic Bond villain henchman of a centre half and tell him to carry the player off the pitch and to the hospital”.

“Repeatedly and frantically tap your watch to let the referee know it is getting late and it’s important that fans get home and avoid the traffic”.