Wheat Eating, Man Utd Supporting Petrol Head Having Worst Week On Record

A SYDNEY based wheat-eating, Man Utd-supporting petrol head is having what experts have suggested is possibly the worst week on record.

“Petrol prices I could handle, being schooled by City as well and having a defence made of quick drying cement? Just barely, but now wheat prices are skyrocketing and my home’s under threat of flooding. This is the worst week of my life,” explained Sydneysider Malcolm Freeland, who forgot about the fact Neighbours has gotten the chop after 37 years as well.

“There’s only so much one person can take,” added Freeland, well aware Manchester United still have another ten or so chastening defeats ahead of them before the end of the season.

Experts in charting and quantifying human misery have suggest Freeland buy himself an ice cream immediately in a bid to correct his precipitous slump toward a pit of continued failures and disappointments.

“Well, at least I can be thankful for the fact my wife is always there for me,” added Freeland, of his wife whose weekend-only business trips have increased in frequency to such an extent that they should really be arousing suspicion in the 35-year-old’s mind.

“Breads, biscuits, pizza, pasta, cakes, surely wheat prices can’t go up that much? A man could start to suspect God is playing some cosmic joke on him,” mused Freeland unaware the draw string in his track suit bottoms will break this evening while he’s out shopping, causing them to fall to his ankles in full view of everyone.

Noting the fact the poor guy can’t catch a break, experts have advised to people to ask Freeland if he owns any stocks and to sell immediately if they hold in the same companies as him.