Johnson Writes ‘Don’t Have Piss-Up The Night Before Queen’s Funeral’ In Big Letters On Whiteboard

BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson has drafted a to-don’t-do list in the event of the Queen passing away from Covid-19, following the news that the monarch had tested positive for the illness.

Johnson, who has thus far avoided repercussions for a spate of lockdown parties thanks to the timely arrival of a looming war in Europe, is hoping to avoid a repeat of this ‘sticky situation’ should Her Majesty be added to the 175,000 people who have already passed away from Covid under his watch.

“We all remember the image of The Queen sitting alone at Prince Philip’s funeral, while most of Johnson’s staff nursed hangovers from a massive piss-up the night before,” said one of Johnson’s dedicated team members, of which there are still a few.

“And while Boris might have avoided anything more than a scolding in parliament over that, it’s doubtful that he would get away with it again if he goes on the lash the night before they plant the old girl herself. So we’ve got a big whiteboard in the office, see it back there? It’s got our official ‘bollock-proofing’ guide to how to get through HRH’s funeral, as and when it occurs”.

On the board are reminders such as:

‘Clear the piss-up schedule for at least a week before and after funeral’.

‘Brush hair before appearing at funeral (a post it was stuck beside this stressing that hair should be brushed ‘on all sides’).

‘No shagging in Downing Street prior to the funeral, that includes you Hancock’.

‘Rees-Mogg should not be photographed carrying around his scythe. In fact, Jacob, leave scythe at home’.