C)ELEBRATE the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s 40th birthday with 40 amazing facts of the apple of England’s cataract afflicted eye:

1) Born in Reading, but grew up in Bucklebury in Berkshire.

2) A mold-breaking, tradition-obliterating treasure, Kate is not from royal stock herself and was born into humble beginnings as the daughter of very wealthy parents.

3) Previously dated Danny Dyer before beginning a relationship with Prince William.

4) Studied Art History at university and lists ‘Potato Jesus’ as her favourite work of art.

5) Not a fan of binge watching, instead preferring to watch only the first and very last episodes of TV series which infuriates William.

6) Had her hen do in Dublin’s Temple Bar however, the CCTV footage of her chinning a bouncer who wouldn’t let her back into a pub after she vomited her recently eaten kebab on him has been erased.

7) Anti-anti-monarchy.

8) Does not believe the number 9 really exists.

10) Kate receives intense physiotherapy every week, to combat pain caused by incessant smiling.

11) Wore a Juicy Couture tracksuit as her wedding dress.

12) When pregnant with George her cravings included licorice allsorts and the blood of council estate single mothers.

13) Is granted permission to acquire a new personality trait by the Royal Family every year. This year she is expected to pick ‘surprisingly dark sense of humour’.

14) Was briefly in girlband Atomic Kitten.

15) Has rejected invites to dine with Prince Andrew in Pizza Express 37 times.

16) Middleton Whisky apparently offered Kate €1.7m to be photographed skulling a naggin of their product.

17) Further establishing her status as a lady of the people, one of you, Kate posed in an Alexander McQueen dress for pictures taken by renowned photographer Paolo Roversi to mark her 40th.

18) Harry & Meghan did not attend Kate’s birthday bash, but sent a card with a £40 TK Maxx voucher in it.

19) Her hobbies include the outdoors, playing piano, knitting and whatever other bullshit the public will swallow.

20) Kate’s favourite computer game of all time is State Of Emergency on the PS2 – an excellent choice, we might add.

21) Kate has no plans to have any more babies. “Three and through”, she remarks when the subject is brought up.

22) Despite her high position as a future queen consort, regularly advertises her services as a HD brow technician on her Insta.

23) Once left a filled in application form for the next series of Love Island out on the kitchen table after a particularly testy row with William.

24) The hardest part of transitioning from normal life to royal life is not being able to watch This Morning live, Kate confided in pals.

25) Worked as a part-time waitress during her studies. Like an actual job. For money. Yes, seriously. Yes, like a pleb.

26) As dictated by Royal protocol, is required to run her hands through William’s bald scalp and pretend he has the luscious long flowing locks.

27) Watches brief seconds long clips of The Crown on her phone in secret during the brief time she is finally alone – while doing a shit.

28) Kate doesn’t actually dislike Meghan Markle, it’s just that the anachronistic, stifling misogyny inherent within a closeted and privileged institution like the royal family bans her from stating this and from having her own individual voice, the lack of which is believed to play a huge part in why she’s so popular.

29) Thinks ‘Firework’ from the Masked Singer should have been eliminated.

30) Was not initially a fan of the Queen having to be present everything she and William attempted to conceive a child but got used to it eventually.

31) Was briefly the Duchess of Malmo as part of a European royalty Erasmus programme.

32) Suffers from ‘achondroplasiaphobia’, the name given to a fear of little people, people with dwarfism.

33) Hates James Corden too.

34) Is believed to be the most popular benefits claimant in all of the UK.

35) Denies killing the real Kate Middleton in some sort Talented Mr Ripley style murder/identity theft.

36) Overruled by Royal Family when she requested Nandos do the catering at her wedding.

37) A faultless romantic – still keeps the butler William gave her on their first date as a momento.

38) Was made an honorary Canadian Ranger, but insisted on serving in military interventions against ISIS operatives, and spoke positively of her experience torturing terrorists.

39) Has repeatedly stated without prompting ‘Dipsy, Po, Lala’ when discussing ‘fuck, marry, kill – Teletubbies edition’.

40) Reckons she’ll give ’til the Queen dies before taking William to the cleaners in a divorce.