Biggest Kid In Each Class To Cover For Covid-Isolating Teacher


AS schools look set to re-open despite ever-higher Covid cases and little to no additional measures to ensure classroom safety, principals around the country are cherry-picking the most promising students to head their classes when teachers inevitably have to drop out and isolate.

“We used to do this all the time in the 80s, the biggest kid in class would take over whenever the teacher had to step out for a meeting with the parish priest, a phone call, or to smoke half a pack of John Player Blue” stated Evelyn Marran, principle of Waterford’s St. Assumpta Of The Pinched Sciatic Nerve NS.

“So we’ll be doing something like that when the teachers have to leave and a substitute teacher comes in, then that substitute has to leave and we don’t have a substitute for the substitute. Then it’ll be over to the caretaking staff, the lollipop ladies, the receptionist, and after all is exhausted, whoever is the biggest tattle-tale nerd in the class”.

Although most kids would much rather just go home if things get to the stage where nobody is there to teach, some swots and teacher’s pets are more than willing to step up and take over the class.

“I’ve been looking forward to this for years!” beamed 5th class egghead and shoe-in for a stand-in teacher role Sheryl Cannistan, who is ready to bring the rest of her dumb-ass class up to her reading level.

Meanwhile the rest of the pupils in Ireland are preparing to bully whoever takes the teaching role for the rest of their lives, as is customary.