How One Man Born With An Anus For A Mouth Defied All The Odds To Become British Prime Minister


WHEN US doctors told parents Stanley and Charlotte Johnson that their son Boris has a rare genetic birth defect which left his anus where his mouth is and his mouth where his anus should be, they were devastated, but like most resilient human beings, they just got on with it and tried to make the best of things.

“I think Boris was 13 months before he made his first word, ‘furp’,” dad Stanley recalls, who also suffers from a rare birth defect that forces him to touch women inappropriately, “I remember myself and Charlotte bursting into tears of joy as he repeated the word ‘furp’ over and over again – we knew then we had a real fighter on our hands”.

Boris struggled at school due to his arse lips, while backed up excrement filled his ear canals leaving him partially deaf.

“Spouting large amounts of shit from his mouth made Boris an outsider in primary school, so upon turning 13 we decided to send him somewhere where he would be surrounded by those with similar conditions and wouldn’t feel so isolated, Eton College,” Mother Charlotte told a newspaper before her death earlier this year.

During his time at Eton, Boris flourished and started fitting in with his rich upper and middle-class peers.

“Finally, Boris had somewhere where talking out of your hole was encouraged,” Stanley fondly remembers his son’s college years.

Later attending Oxford, acquiring a second-class degree, Boris went on to put his arse hole to paper and began writing for the Daily Telegraph.

“There was a high demand for columnists who could spew shit at the time and Boris soon made a name for himself with the newspaper’s readers from middle England,” a former editor recalled.

Following ground breaking surgery in the late 90s which rerouted his intestines so that his faeces came out the other end, Boris soon began a career in politics.

“The operation was a total success as some shite still regularly poured out his mouth, which is perfect for any politician, and his speech came on leaps and bounds, although he does still sound a little muffled,” a doctor who worked on Johnson explained, “relocating his teeth to his face behind his sphincter was a grueling task but I think we did a great job, considering”.

Still with his classic audible mouth farts, Boris Johnson went on to defy all medical projections, even managing to find love with several women, often at the same time.

“Once you get past the smell of human shit from his mouth you don’t even notice it after a while,” one of his current partners confirmed in a recent Vogue article on estranged fathers.

Despite all of his difficulties, Boris Johnson became a beacon of British hierarchy and proof that talking out of your hoop can get you anywhere in life.