Owen Keegan’s Guide To Dublin City

OFTEN making the news for ill-judged comments an envious Leo Varadkar wish he said privately in the Fine Gael WhatsApp, Owen Keegan is to Dubliners what his lookalike and ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ villain Judge Doom, was to the residents of Toontown.

Taking Keegan’s recent sarcastic comments to the UCD Students Union that students should just buy apartment blocks to solve the housing issue, and placing them in the latest news spewing algorithm, WWN has been able to create the Dublin City Council CEO’s perfect guide to a city he seems to actively hate:

Before we get to the individual items on the list I’d first like to comment on putrid smell of Dublin City, awful, just awful. Seagulls I don’t mind but the local accents? Shoot me. The more I think about the ingenious idea to have a white water rafting facility, the more I believe we’d be better off knocking down the Liffey walls and just flooding the whole Godforsaken place.

Christchurch

An eyesore that needs knocking down.

St Stephen’s Green

A waste of good land. If there’s anything I hate more than the public, it’s public amenities. This horrid mass of open green space could make a lovely dividend for a pension fund once apartments are built there.

Ha’penny Bridge

Needs a toll.

Phoenix Park

Every time I see the deer roaming there it brings a tear to my eye to think we aren’t charging everyone €50 quid to visit the Coca Cola Phoenix Park Dear Deer Experience. How much does deer meat go for these days? And at least 75% of the park can be converted into a car park.

Kilmainham Gaol

Well, there’s your student accommodation problem solved right there.

Temple Bar

A shining beacon of fantastic and vibrant culture.

Tents

The source of 100% of the city’s violent crime. Don’t give them food, money or your empathy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to create an atmosphere conducive to Airbnb lettings and build-to-rent bedsits here with these tents? If you see a tent, let me know, I know a lad with a JCB.

Dublin City Council Office, Wood Quay

The only building in the city that doesn’t need converting into a hotel. Might have to electrify it if you lot try protesting outside it again.

The Spire

You should be charged a fiver every time you stare at something that beautiful.