SAVVY householders may be able to escape savage energy price hikes if they had the foresight to keep the easily combustible pamphlets distributed by their local TDs over the last few years, WWN can confirm.
“In most locales around the country, government TDs have issued leaflets year-round promising that their constituents are ‘doing fine and will continue to do fine’, so if you have a big stack of those in your house you could have a really nice fire and it won’t cost you anything” said one cost-cutting guru we spoke to.
“Other than that, spending thousands to insulate your home to an A+ rating, switching your boiler, washing machine, dishwasher, fridge, personal massage devices and slow cookers to more energy efficient models and changing all your bulbs to energy saving ones could save you as much as 67c over the course of the next two winters”.
Meanwhile the government has assured the public that it will introduce a number of measures in the budget to ensure that people will be able to pay their energy bills with taxpayer money.
“There are struggling energy companies out there that have graciously kept their price hikes down to only 20%, so we’re going to make sure they don’t lose a cent more” said our source.
“You pay us, we pay you, you pay them. If only we could put a dynamo on the flow of taxpayer money to private corporations, we’d be able to power the nation for years”.
The government was quick to add that data centres are not the cause of any upcoming energy shortages that the nation may or may not experience in the coming winter, honest.
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