“You Can’t Tell Me What To Do, You’re Not My Real Taoiseach” Yells Petulant Varadkar

A TEARFUL Micheál Martin has broken down over a cup of coffee with some of his closest friends this morning and admitted that he ‘just doesn’t know what to do any more’ with his adopted coalition partner Leo Varadkar.

“I told him, don’t be going to any parties, and what does he go and do,” sobbed Martin, back on the smokes again to help with his nerves.

“He goes away off with that Zappone one to a party and causes all sorts of trouble, along with more of those Fine Gael troublemakers that we were good enough to welcome into our family. And this is how they repay us! By handing out jobs to their pals. Those are jobs I should be giving to my pals!”.

The Taoiseach welcomed assurances that he’s ‘doing the best he can’ under difficult circumstances, before continuing to lay out his woes.

“I said to him; you’ll not be at that while you’re under my roof, and he yelled that I wasn’t the Taoiseach of him and slammed his door,” said the Taoiseach, wiping his eyes and getting more angry than sad.

“What can you do in a situation like that? And while he’s off gallivanting and making shit up as he goes, it’s me and my Fianna Fáil family that will get a bad name. It’s not his poll numbers that go down – it’s mine. But no, he knows best. This is almost as bad as when he got caught sharing sensitive information with those doctor pals of his. And who bailed him out then? Muggins here, of course”.

Micheál ‘wouldn’t even comment’ on Eamon Ryan’s (who the Taoiseach referred to as ‘the other fella’) part in the mess, as he considers the Green Party leader to be ‘a lost cause altogether’.