“Cork Wins Olympic Gold Medal,” Cork Corrects Nation


QUICKLY responding to well-wishers across Ireland after rowers Paul O’Donovan and Fintan McCarthy were crowned Olympic champions in Tokyo this morning after winning the men’s lightweight double sculls final, Corkonians have pointed out it was actually in fact Cork who won the medal, thanks.

“C’mere till I tell ya, kid, Cork won that medal as the two boys are from Skibbereen, in Cork,” one Cork man corrected WWN, now rolling his sleeves up in an intimidating fashion. “The lads trained and live in Cork, not Waterford or wherever ye’re from, Cork, boy! Don’t you forget it now, I’m tellin’ ya”.

The Skibbereen pair produced a brilliant performance to finish first in a time of 6:06.43, beating favourites Germany to the gold medal, a 10th Irish Olympic gold medal since records began.

“You mean a second gold medal for Cork,” a Cork woman now intervened, “write that down now, Pat O’Callaghan from Cork won the first ever Cork gold medal, for Cork, and now the two lads. That’s technically three gold medals really when you think about it”.

Despite Cork’s claim of ownership over this latest Irish victory, the pair are expected to receive a champion’s welcome upon their return to Ireland.

“Hold on a second there now, you gowl, the celebrations won’t be a patch on the kind of celebrations we’re going to throw them in Cork. If anyone’s going to celebrate around here it’s going to be the People’s Republic of Cork,” another Cork native concluded.