It’s The DWWNERU (Daily WWN Euro Round Up)
YESTERDAY’S action was chock-a-block with highly contentious and controversial decisions and that was just Hungary’s passing of new bigoted anti-LGBTQ laws.
Hungary’s anti-semetic and authoritarian PM Vicktor Orban blamed his country’s 3-0 loss on a George Soros funded conspiracy, a man he claims grew Cristiano Ronaldo in a lab in a vat of radioactive hair gel.
Unable to convert chances for much of the game, Portugal finally broke the deadlock in the 84th minute when Guerreiro fired home via a deflection off a defender.
The floodgates now open, Hungary went on to concede another two goals in the worst five minute performance since Prince Charles’ wedding nights.
Ronaldo became the Euros all-time top scorer, something he isn’t expected to make a big deal out of.
Ronaldo’s second goal of the night was filled with the sort of quick intricate one-two touch passing that every man incorrectly tells their girlfriend they scored at their weekly 5-a-side.
Incidentally Portugal are Ireland’s next opponents in World Cup Qualifying, and Stephen Kenny has kindly asked Irish fans to be begin lighting candles and saying their prayers now.
During the pre-match analysis of the France Germany game on RTÉ Didi Hamann was asked if he’d take a draw, prompting him to threaten to chop off Darragh Moloney’s hand for a draw. RTÉ cut to the stadium just as a manic Hamann produced a machete.
Before a ball was kicked the game was interrupted when someone paraglided onto the pitch. In what first appeared to be a desperate attempt by Oliver Giroud to get in to the starting line up turned out to be an anti-oil protest.
Unlike the Denmark game, TV directors artfully avoided broadcasting or zooming in on the incident, while UEFA worried the Germany and France players might never recover from the traumatic criticism of tournament sponsors Gazprom, offering to cancel the game and provide the players with counselling.
The only goal of the game occurred when a world class visionary ball was accidentally delivered out wide by Paul Pogba leading to an own goal by Matt Hummels who swung at the ball with all the conviction of the work experience kid trying to operate heavy machinery.
UEFA are thinking of introducing snack breaks throughout games after a starving Rudiger was forced to take a bite out of Pogba. Reacting to the incident which also saw Rudiger grab at Pogba’s nipples, the Man United player said ‘hey, buy a girl dinner first’.
Viewers have begun campaigning for goals ruled out for offside by VAR to be allowed to stand if the goal is fucking class, as was the case with Mbappe’s cancelled out strike.
Largely dominating the game in the second half Germany hadn’t spent this much time in French territory since WWII, but their strategy of bringing on 4ft 1″ Timo Werner to launch crosses into proved unsuccessful.
Penned in, France relied on the blistering pace of Mbappe to launch counter attacks, leading to the PSG star outrunning Hummels in an incident which brought to mind a F1 car facing off against a tortoise with four bad hips.
In the game’s most controversial incident Germany manager Joachim Low became the first manager to repeatedly stick his hand down his cacks and then sniff his fingers in seven consecutive major tournaments in a row.
In the game’s second most controversial incident France’s Benjamin Pavard was clearly knocked unconscious but allowed to continue by team doctors which is probably fine, right?
Today’s games sees Finland hoping to get one over on Russia for all that repeated invasion stuff, in the 5pm kick off Wales hope to bone and roll Turkey, and the 8pm kickoff will see Robert Mancini looking suave in a fitted suit.