“Well, That’s Racism Solved” Confirms White America

IN THE aftermath of Derek Chauvin being found guilty of the murder of George Floyd, white Americans were celebrating the triumphant end to racism and the long practice of dispatching the police to suppress and brutalise minorities.

“Oh was that today?” a smattering of white Americans said of the trial verdict, before sharing a knowing nod with the nearest minority which they hoped conveyed “we did it, we ALL did it guuuurlfriend”.

“Wow, what a weight off. And we’ve got Joe and Kamala in there for you guys too, you must be overjoyed” confirmed one woman. “Thank Good we don’t have to hear what the Orange One made of this,” added the woman, who will continue her policy of tightly clutching her purse around people of colour.

White Americans announced that now racism was ‘a past-tense thing’ they would be going on a crash diet aimed at vastly reducing their appetite for conversations on race, allowing those unburdened by systemic biases within American institutions to happily high-five each other for a job well done.

“I’m just glad the legacy of Dr Martin Luther Vandross Jr has finally been irrevocably fulfilled. That was his thing, right? Justice? Sorry if I got it wrong, happy for you to explain it to me again,” added one man to the nearest African American they could find and touch the hair of.

Elsewhere, contributors on Fox News labeled the verdict a disgrace, claiming Chauvin was treated during the trial like he was just some black man who was rightly arrested after being found three blocks away from a half smoked joint.

“How are you going to get people to join the police if they know they will be punished for murdering people?” said noted Fox News contributor, an incendiary ball of fiery rage.

Meanwhile, other countries have once again thanked America for being so staggeringly unequal as to take the focus off having to solve their own systemic issues.