If The Ever Given Container Ship Can Right Itself, You Can Tackle Tuesday Fiona


NEWS that the 400m, 200,000 tonne cargo ship known as the ‘Ever Given’ has managed to wrestle itself free of its entanglement on the banks of the Suez Canal after a week-long catastrophe that caused billions of dollars worth of delays and untold environmental damage should be enough motivation for even the most had-it-up-to-here people to shake off their Covid blues and get up and greet the day, experts have claimed.

“You are not the Ever Given. You do not need 14 tugboats and a fleet of excavators to move 20,000 tonnes of sand just to get you downstairs and dressed in time for a 10am Zoom call” said Covid-malaise expert Dr. Arthur Harte, speaking to WWN on the matter while also CC’ing in local woman Fiona Garrigher, who needs to hear this shit.

Dr. Harte went on to offer the following tips for tackling a workday like the strong, confident nautical vessel you really are deep down inside:

  • Remember you’re not a cargo ship. Not even close, despite what your carbon footprint might suggest.
  • Nothing you’ve done in your life is as embarrassing as wedging a 400m boat sideways on the busiest stretch of sea in the world. Nothing, not even going back with Sean after all he did the last time.
  • Not having kids at 30 is not a sign of failure. Don’t listen to your mam. Does the Ever Given have any kids? No, it doesn’t. It’s just out here, living it’s best toot-toot life.
  • In a world of cargo ships, be a sailboat.