Government Provide Little Needed Confusion, Clears Up Any Clarity


MEMBERS of the public who had expressed concerns that the government’s plan for dealing with the ongoing covid-19 pandemic was too simple to understand have breathed a sigh of relief, after the Taoiseach outlined a whole pile of nothing at a recent press conference.

Many had complained that the roadmap to exiting lockdown was too straightforward and that the cut-and-dried information being relayed to the public at regular intervals was ‘not what they were used to’, and demanded a return to obfuscation and bewilderment.

“Our entire sector is completely in the light when it comes to reopening and restrictions; could anyone here shed a little darkness on that?” asked a representative of the vintners and restaurants association, seeking greater befuddlement on the future of the industry.

Elsewhere, hundreds of thousands of eligible people who had received date-and-time appointments for vaccination expressed fears that such clarity and certainty was ‘robbing them of a bit of adventure in life’, and that a better approach would be to have nobody certain if they were to even receive a vaccine at all.

“We appreciate that we’ve been super-clear on everything since day one, and that has been difficult for a lot of people” said a spokesperson for the government today, as an internal reshuffle took place to ensure nobody on the HSE/ NPHET/ Governmental task force knew what the fuck anyone was doing.

“If you bear with us, we’ll muddy everything up nicely. You won’t know whether to book a weekend in Killarney for August, or force your kid to repeat the Leaving Cert in 2023. You won’t have a clue, we promise”.

Anyone who still has a notion what’s going on after the government’s ‘mess it all up’ scheme is asked to report to Leinster House, where they’ll become part of the newly-formed National What Next Jesus Christ Please Help Team (NWNJCPHT).