Hotel Quarantine To Be Its Own, Completely Separate Shitshow, Promise Government

ALTHOUGH frustrations are mounting at the slow implementation of mandatory hotel quarantine for travellers into the county, the government has stressed that time is needed to ensure that everything will be as half-arsed and ineffective as possible.

“People think it’s as simple as saying ‘anyone who comes into this country must stay in a hotel for two weeks before they can leave’, and in honesty, yeah it kinda is” said a spokesperson for the government, at a slowly-convened press conference earlier today.

“But we as a nation have a standard to uphold when it comes to these kinds of things. Long story short, we’ll begin MHQ when we’re 100% certain that it’ll result in a tribunal in years to come. It’s not just the citizens getting Covid we’re worried about. We’ve got law firms to think of”.

Key points the government need to address before moving on include:

– Which hotels are suitable for inbound passengers to stay in, given capacity issues due to many hotels already housing homeless families or serving as direct provision centres.

– Is it really needed yet? The government are still of the opinion that things ‘aren’t that bad’, apart from a recent surge in cases that are the fault of protestors and certainly have nothing to do with schools. Is it worth hassling people coming into the country yet? There’s an important ‘what will they think of us’ aspect to be considered.

– Who pays for everything? The government are adamant that anyone flying in to Ireland for a holiday ‘can’t be expected’ to pay for two full weeks in a hotel, as this would limit the amount of money they would then be able to spend in Carroll’s Irish Gifts.

– Similarly, seasonal workers being ferried in are almost certainly unable to pay for 14 nights on the wages they’re receiving, and it’s apparently ‘madness’ to ask the bosses at the strawberry farms and meat-processing plants to foot the bill. Work is underway to ensure that the taxpayer foots the entire cost, and MHQ will commence once the government ensures a deal that is the worst possible value for everyone concerned.

Despite the roadblocks, the government are certain they can get MHQ up and running in time for the summer holidays, at which point it will be dropped due to cases falling ever so slightly for a week or so.