350,000 Germ Factories Return To School


AS MANY AS 350,000 snot dripping, pants soiling, cough-while-not-covering-mouths, dirty handed children have made their return to school after the initial return to in-person began two weeks ago.

Equal parts delighted and horrified to be returning to their profession in an environment more conducive to learning, teachers stoically accepted the fact 350,000 germ factories needed their education.

Reassured by the Department of Education that if anyone was to contract Covid-19 in a school setting, teachers were reminded not to worry as any positive cases will still be erroneously notified as ‘community transfer’ in ‘household settings’ thus keeping Irish schools uniquely Covid-immune.

“It’s like if RTÉ Jr produced The Walking Dead, written by the lads who made Contagion,” shared one teacher, “honestly the kids are great but I’ve met toxic sewage pipes with better personal hygiene,” she added while wiping a pupil’s oozing, snot-bubbling nose with a rag on the end of a 12 metre long pole.

“I love them, I love my job don’t get me wrong, but they’re a festering, putrid mass of a petri dish and we’re the guinea pigs,” added the teacher who couldn’t rule out wheeling in the TV for the kids to watch movies on until Covid-19 is over and done with.

Elsewhere, Minister for Education Norma Foley spent the day confirming returning to the exact same unventilated school room set ups that were deemed ‘too dangerous’ in January without changing anything should be fine.