Staging A Funeral Just For The Session, A Guide


SOMETIMES extreme measures have to be taken during extreme lockdown restrictions to organise extreme sessions. Could staging a funeral, just for the drink fueled send off, be the solution to your party problems?

Gotten wind of a large funeral gathering from a media outlet that knows exactly how to get a rise out of you and play you like a fiddle? Translate that anger and jealousy into something constructive like staging a fake funeral just for the sesh:

It’s not a fake funeral if you just sacrifice someone. We all know several people who we’d gladly euthanise, so maybe put all of their names into a hat and choose one, making sure to retain the other names for another weekend/funeral.

Always schedule the funeral for a Friday to get the entire weekend out of it.

Want to maximise attendance at your session? Why not co-host your funeral with the Oireachtas Golf Society, a Republican funeral or an RTÉ retirement party.

If you go the no body route make the most of the empty coffin and convert it into a beer cooler by filling it with ice.

If murdering someone isn’t your bag, check for death notices. Look for eulogies of people with no mention of ‘surrounded by family or friends’. Thanks to a substandard government who continually let vulnerable citizens fall through the cracks, you should have no problem finding such forgotten people these days and a presence at their grave-side is a nice touch in fairness. At least someone cares, albeit for the sole purpose of a session.

Make sure the offertory procession includes a decks, sound system and lighting rig.

Staging a funeral for the session not your thing? You might enjoy instead letting anger course through your veins, directed by people happy to get you annoyed at anybody accept the government, who, if they weren’t so inept, would have gotten society to this point in the fight against the pandemic that attending the funeral of a loved one wouldn’t seem like some sort of far off impossibility.