So The Cops Have Found Your Shebeen: Here’s What Happens Next

WELL, you had a good run throughout the whole pandemic, but the gardaí have finally caught up with you and your illegal hooch-hawking operation in the shed out the back of your house. So what now? Well, if you’ve been smart all along, you should have prepared for this moment and be ready to:

1) Offer the cops a quick pint

Like all people, the guards have been missing the pub as much as anyone else. So it’s worth your while at least trying to pint your way out of this predicament. At the very least, you may get your charge downgraded from ‘illegal unlicensed premises’ to ‘house party out of control’.

If your shebeen is worth a damn, it’ll have fresh cold pints of Guinness on tap; more than enough to tempt the stout-starved officers onto your side. If you’re just serving bottled beers out of a sink filled with cold water; what kind of shebeen owner are you to begin with? You deserve what’s coming to you!

2) Get ready to be famous

There’s been hundreds of shebeens featured in the news over the last year, so if you’re looking for yours to stand out, you should already be making preparations.

Make sure you’ve gone the extra distance to ensure your shebeen is a blatant, total disregard to the law by incorporating pool tables, dart boards, and even stand-up arcade cabinets.

Do you want your shebeen to be the one that everyone laughs at, or the one where people say ‘fuck me, they even had condom machine in the portaloos’. This is your legacy; be in charge of it.

3) Get fined or something

We’re not even sure what you’re going to be slapped with, but it’s probably just a fine or something like that. Just dip into the money you’ve made throughout all of this and you’ll be grand.

You’ll be back in business in no time, like you were five months ago when your grandad died from that respiratory thing he picked up from somewhere or other after you visited him in the nursing home.