AFTER the latest research reveals an alarming drop in teenagers smoking and drinking, parents are being asked to go that extra mile to ensure their children have every opportunity to partake in the Irish traditions of old which include drinking in a field and smoking to look cool in front of friends.
Here’s how you can be sure your teen is getting their required daily amount of drinking and smoking:
– Have a teen who has fallen in with the right crowd? Why not slip a packet of cigarettes under their pillow and ‘find them’, prompting you to force them to smoke the whole packet to teach them a lesson.
– “We’re headed out now, for the whole evening. Fuck it, won’t be back ’til next week just don’t touch that fully stocked drinks cabinet” – subtle subliminal messaging like plus soaking their cornflakes in vodka each morning could see you give your teen the confidence and encouragement to drink they are sorely lacking.
– Talk endlessly about how you took MDMA and chemsex drugs in a bid to make those substances appear uncool, guiding your child back to smoking and drinking by saying these vices were always ‘too hardcore for you’.
– Invite your jaundiced uncle with the lung cancer to give them a cautionary talk and tell your kids that if they’re not careful they might turn out nothing like their great uncle. But that’s it’s not too late for them to see the error of their ways and begin drinking and smoking.
– Encourage your child to hang out with older kids who are up to no good and have the potential to lead them astray.
– Tell how important it is to give into peer pressure, and not doing so could result in them being ostracised by completely awful classmates and in the process unwittingly lead them to make lasting friendships with genuinely nice kids. Surely there’s nothing worse.
– Tell them if they’re not careful they might grow up without any damaging addictions and at that point are they even Irish or your kids anymore?
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