World Exclusive: Read Our Interview With Finbar Markle

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FROM kings to presidents, actors to poets, singers, dancers, billionaires, sports stars and everyone in between, there remains one constant; an Irish relative. As such, WWN are delighted to present our world exclusive interview with Meghan Markle’s only known Irish relative, her long-lost distant cousin and proud Waterford native, Finbar Markle.

WWN: Tell us a little about your ties to Meghan. 

Finbar: Well, as our surname suggests, we’re related on the Markle side. The Markles were Germanic people to begin with according to Wikipedia, but anyone that knows the whole story will tell you that Thomas Markle, Meghan’s dad, well he comes from a long line of Markles who would have traded in and around the south-east of Ireland in the pre-famine days.

I can trace my own great-great-granduncle Aloysius Markle to those days, before a row with great-great-grandauntie Patricia Markle over something or other; she went on to marry and become Patricia O’Fogarty-Markle, of course. So then the Markle family split into the ones who got on the coffin ships to get the feck out of Waterford in a huff, and the ones who stayed here out of pure spite. But the connection is there, for sure.

WWN: You’re around the same age as Meghan, who’s 39 right now. Have you any experiences in your life that mirror hers?

Finbar: Plenty. She was in that show Suits for years, and over the years I myself have worn several Suits.

WWN: Did you watch Suits?

Finbar: No, few too many suits in it for my liking. Also Meghan has married Harry, who was a Major in the army, and I myself have often smoked Major cigarettes.

WWN: So when did you first become aware of Meghan?

Finbar: Well now you don’t hear the surname Markle all that often – most of us in Ireland have been killed off down through the years by the Markeys, bunch of pricks that they are. So when I heard her name first before the her wedding, I put two and two together and realised we must be related.

WWN: But this hasn’t been verified?

Finbar: Oh no, it has.

WWN: By anyone other than yourself?

Finbar: Well, no.

WWN: So the wedding…

Finbar: Yes, and now this is what I wanted to say to you. Meghan seems like a lovely girl, and she’s certainly lovely looking. It’s ok if I say that, by the way, we’re not that close of cousins. Not that it’s stopped me in the past. But anyway, she seems like a lovely girl, but that wedding came and went and did I receive an invitation? Not at all. Not even to the afters.

WWN: That’s poor form.

Finbar: Isn’t it? I mean, even if you don’t know who someone is, what harm is it to ask them to the afters of a wedding.

WWN: So after the wedding snub, did your opinion of her change?

Finbar: I would say I was always very wary of her. Anytime I commented under posts about her online, she’d never answer. Something not right there.

WWN: Callous, would you say.

Finbar: Thoughtless, more like it. For a rich woman to snub a man who’s yelling at her online is one thing, but for her to snub family; that’s a sign of something not quite right. And then she got all that bad press too. When I saw that I thought to myself yes indeed, she’s doing the fine Markle name no favours here whatsoever.

WWN: Let’s talk about the Oprah thing.

Finbar: Yes, delighted you brought it up. I thought it was amazing when she gave everyone in the audience a car that one time.

WWN: And the…

Finbar: And when she gave that family a house. Very good.

WWN: I mean the Oprah interview with Harry and Meghan.

Finbar: Oh, right, right. Yeah, I didn’t watch that. I have a free trial of Netflix at the minute with only a week until it expires so I’m trying to watch all of Breaking Bad before that ticks down.

WWN: Some are saying Meghan has a real hatred for the Royal family.

Finbar: Well now, if that isn’t confirmation that she’s one of the Waterford Markles, I don’t know what is. We’ve always hated the Royals. Why, my 3rd cousin Declan was one of the last people in England to receive a public lashing, for flinging dogshit at the Queen shortly after her coronation.

WWN: I’ve never heard about any Irishman doing that.

Finbar: Ah, they covered it all up. Tried to play it off as some loving subject throwing her a chocolate éclair while a stripped to the waist Irishman and four members of the Royal police screamed encouragement from nearby.

WWN: Have you anything you’d like to say to Meghan, if she should happen to read this?

Finbar: Of course. Meghan, we’ve had our differences but we’re family. At the end of it all, we’re family. So please, reach into your heart and find a way to get me 97 grand before the end of the month, or else I’m going to lose the home-place to the O’Fogarty-Markles, pack of bastards that they are.

EDITOR’S NOTE: That’s just a snippet of our interview folks, be sure to catch the full nine hour version when it hits screens this weekend.

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