US President Joe Biden has assured his supporters that Donald Trump’s reign of terror towards migrants along the border has come to an end and been replaced with a much more comforting, left-leaning reign of terror instead.
“There will be no more children in detention centres on the US border, which was a despicable crime perpetrated against humanity and one which we will never forgive the administration that implemented it for” said Biden, speaking of the border detention units that came into existence in 2014.
Biden, living up to his electoral promise of abolishing harmful and cruel deportation policies, went on to outline a whole raft of new harmful and cruel deportation policies that will hopefully not get him anywhere near the bad press that his predecessor did.
“The kids we detain and deport, they’re going to have nothing but fond memories of the USA” said Biden, maintaining a tough but loveable stance on immigration that should play well with voters on both sides of the political divide.
“And I assure you, any child that has been separated from its parents during this time, they are more than welcome to choose a vegan meal while in our holding facilities, and use whatever bathroom they see fit”.
Meanwhile, Biden also confirmed that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement unit known as ICE is to be given a complete rebrand so as to not seem cold and heartless, but more cool and funky, the kind of people that can kick in a migrant family’s door at 3 in the morning and drag them screaming into vans without looking like bad guys.
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