Lucky Australians Don’t Get Their News From Facebook Anymore


ENVIOUS social media users from across the world have expressed their palpable envy for Australians’ news-free Facebook experience.

“Wow, lucky bastards; no crazy aunt arguing with you under the 50 racist Daily Mail articles she’s posted, no old school friend sharing anti-vaxx conspiracy theories. Those Aussies are living the dream,” confirmed one social media user of the fallout from the social network’s ongoing dispute with the Australian government over payments to media organisations.

Australians now blocked from sharing news on the platform have already reported a 100% rise in intelligence and articulation when it came to using the now news-free platform which many normally describe as a hellhole where brain cells go to die.

“Look here, Alice from work’s feed would normally be 40 separate articles about animal cruelty, veganism and Myanmar but now it’s just a picture of her stupid looking kid with the fat head, look how fat that head is,” explained one Sydney based Facebook user.

“You know I had my first ‘the immigrants are taking over’-free conversation on Facebook since 2015 thanks to the absence of Sky News, it was weird,” confirmed another user, who might actually venture outside today.

Unable to gain access to news on Facebook, Australians have been forced into primitive forms of news consumption such as learning of world events via words printed onto paper or shouted from their TVs.

“One poor sod had to walk for 12 miles to the nearest neighbour just to shout the vile abuse he’d normally write under news articles on Facebook in their window, it was like something straight out of those awful charity appeal ads, it’d break your heart,” confirmed one local.

Elsewhere, PM Scott Morrison confirmed this Facebook stuff is a perfect distraction from questions in relation to when his office learned about the alleged rape of a former Liberal Party staff member by a party colleague in the office of a cabinet minister.