PORTRAYING yourself as the perfect mother or father in a public setting is one of the hardest things you can do when dealing with contrary, anxiety inducing kids who are too dumb to even get the concept of reputation. Choosing the right phrases to say loudly so everyone can hear is key to saving face in public. Please find below some quick and easy phrases to use to show everyone how great a parent you are.
“And what begins with the letter A, Lorcan? That’s right, an apple! Good boy”
You’re out walking with your moaning toddler. A stranger is about to walk past and judge you. You need to think fast before your little shit breaks into a cry. Smile and look like you’re being really attentive to the child and say: “And what begins with the letter ‘A’, Lorcan?”. The stranger won’t know or hopefully hear if the child replied, so simply add WThat’s right, an apple! Good boy”. Job done, you’re not only a caring parent, but an educational one too. Lorcan may be confused at your sudden politeness, but just go back to normal when they’ve gone.
“Say hello to the nice man/woman, Lorcan”
Sometimes you’ve got to distract both child and passing stranger, especially if the stranger is being uber nosy and staring.
Simply turn the attention back at the stranger by forcing your child to engage and this should hurry them the fuck on past you.
This is called deflection and works a treat when you need to think on your feet. Also don’t forget to remind your child to never talk to strangers and ground them for a day to make sure they get the message.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get you some fruit when you go home”
Sometimes a crying child is inevitable, and nothing can be done to stop their whinging, so why not make it sound like they’re crying for healthy food products like fruit and or veg.
People in audible range will be impressed at your parenting skills and child’s propensity for healthy food. When they’re gone lob a biscuit into their gob to shut them up until you get home and lash on the chicken nuggets. Perfect.
“Oh Lorcan, why are you upset? This isn’t like you at all. Please, someone, for the love of God help me. My child’s eyes are leaking!”
There is nothing more embarrassing than a full-on tantrum when there are dozens of people around. For extreme cases, extreme measures are needed.
When your child kicks off, act like you’ve never seen this before. Pretend you don’t even know what tears are and freak the fuck out.
Someone will hopefully rush to console you and reassure you that the liquid pouring out of your child’s eyes are called ‘tears’, and quickly defuse your overreaction. Ask them “Are you sure this is natural? He’s never done this before.” Witnesses to this will be left in absolute awe of your parenting and how nice a family you must be.
“Lorcan, shut up or Mammy will throw your iPad in the fucking bin when she gets home”
Look, sometimes you’ve just got to be yourself and let it all out. Who cares what people think anyway – Lorcan can be a little bollocks at times.