Backstreet Frontal Lobotomy Ring Busted As Desperate People Try Forgetting 2020


DUBLIN Gardaí have confirmed the arrest of 12 backstreet doctors and thousands of euros worth of stolen medical equipment in an early morning raid on four premises across the city, believed to be operating as frontal lobotomy clinics, WWN has learned.

It is understood the clinics advertised a total memory wipe of last year, with dozens of drooling men and women found wandering around near a clinic in the inner city, many of whom unable to speak or even able remember their own name.

“We get a lot of that kind of clientele around here, so we didn’t take much notice at the start,” one local business owner said, “but then I realised that these people were dressed really well and just seemed more confused than strung out of their skulls on benzos”.

Gardaí confirmed desperate patients paid as much as €5k per lobotomy, hoping to have the last 12 months erased from their memory for good: “In one respect, they got what they wanted in as far as not remembering the year 2020, the lucky bastards, but in another respect, many of them are unable to people properly.”

“I work as a truck in the kitchen cleaning jellybeans,” explained one babbling patient we found in the area with a large stainless steel rod protruding from the centre of his forehead, “broken lampshade car in Ronnie Whelan… Shellakabookie rashers… Derek Davis’ nipples?”

Despite the raid and horrific examples of malpractice, Gardaí believe dozens of similar clinics are operating around the country.

“In this day and age it is very hard to differentiate between someone with a full frontal lobotomy and just a normal braindead citizen, but the gaping hole in the middle of their heads should give it away.”

UPDATE: the demand for 2021 lobotomies is rising rapidly.