Office Christmas Zoom Party To Plumb New Levels Of Forced Craic

DECEMBER 18th has been confirmed as the date for a Waterford company’s Christmas party, with many employees expecting the Zoom-call shindig to be the absolute low point of the year, even when you take the Coronavirus pandemic into account.

Currently scheduled to take place from ‘8pm until whenever!!!!??’ by whatever dose sent the invite, staff at Dennison & Lowe are expected to arrive dressed in festive gear (Christmas jumpers a must according to a sternly worded email from the MD) and provide their own food and drink for the annual Christmas get-together, which now offers no avenues of escape to better, more-craic venues, or indeed the option to fuck off home at half ten after the dinner.

Terrifying details within the invite include:

• Unlike most years where employees were allowed to stay home if they didn’t feel up to a night out with people they can barely stand, this year’s party is mandatory
• Janice from HR has prepared ‘something special’ as entertainment, rumoured to be an acapella rendition of nine or more Christmas carols, during which everyone being asked to ‘go on mute but leave their video on’. Unlike other years where people used Janice’s musical outbursts as an opportunity to head for a smoke, there seems to be no escape this year.
• The usual Christmas draw to see who wins a bottle of whiskey is cancelled due to Covid-19, but the annual wacky awards for ‘office gas bitch’ and ‘best boss in the world JK’ will of course go ahead.
• Coarse language, finishing your dessert before everyone else is finished their main, and leaving before the MD tells you it’s time to leave are ‘big no-nos’.

The final line of the invite stresses that ‘this goes especially for you Alan HAHAHAHAHA’, a grim warning of the forced bants and zero-craic atmosphere to come.